I have spent a lot of time wanting to start my blog up again. As you can see, I could be ranked up there with the worst bloggers of all time considering I have posted 4 times in over a year. However, I am finally compelled to share a story with those who haven't already heard it. This could get lengthy, don't say I didn't warn you.
A year ago exactly, I was going through one of the worst times in my life. I was in a situation that left me depressed and questioning whether or not I actually wanted to become a teacher. Any plans I made for myself seemed to be ruined, and nothing was going the way I wanted it to - in neither my personal or professional life. My plan was to move to England, and I had set my heart on this happening. I would do my student teaching there and get to travel through Europe on the weekends... it seemed like a sure bet and I made the mistake of putting all my eggs in that basket. It was MY plan I had made on MY terms.
After many unfortunate circumstances I will spare you the details of, my university ended up not only telling me I could no longer student teach overseas, but that I could only student teach in the Bryan/College Station area. Since the said unfortunate circumstances took place in B/CS, it was the last place I wanted to be. I was devastated. There was soon going to be nothing left for me here. Most friends were graduating or going elsewhere to student teach, and some friends were unfortunately no longer friends anymore. I was stuck in College Station until December. (Note: I actually stopped my short-lived blog because of this, I felt I had nothing positive to say anymore).
I am not saying this was the worst situation that could have ever happened - it absolutely was not. I am aware something much more devastating could have occured in my life and that much more devastating things happen in the lives of others. But for me, I had reached my breaking point. I was at my lowest of lows. I was tired of the way I lived my life. I tried to be a "good person", but again, on MY terms. I dated the way I wanted to date, lived the way I wanted to live, and prayed the way I wanted to pray (which was when I most needed something - again- to go my way). And what did it leave me with? Absolutely nothing but this aching bottomless hole in my heart. I constantly looked for happiness in all the wrong places. Whether it be in school, social scenes, or dead-end relationships. (For the record I am blaming no one but myself for these unsuccessful attempts to find love - or what I thought was love at the time. I played just as big of a role in destroying those relationships as anyone else).
There was no where to go but up, and even in the midst of all of this pain, the old cliché "everything happens for a reason" quote popped in my head every day. I found myself aching to come to the Lord in a way I never had before, but had absolutely no idea how to go through with it. I had never come to Him and asked Him to renew my spirit and make me whole again, but inside I knew this was exactly what I needed in my life. I had been saved in 5th grade, but definitely did not walk with the Lord the remainder of my life. After two weeks of praying about what to do, I randomly decided to go to Starbucks one day. This is no surprise since I frequent Starbucks many days of the week, but this particular day I was supposed to be somewhere else, but those plans were cancelled so I went to have my regular caffeine pick-me-up. In Starbucks I ran into an old friend, a friend I had gone out to Northgate with several times and hung out in Garner State Park with every year. Though I hadn't seen him in almost two years, I knew through Facebook he had begun walking with Christ. After our encounter, I messaged him letting him know my desperation to get plugged-in somewhere. He so graciously met with me for coffee and talked with me for over two hours about what I wanted in a church and what I wanted in my relationship with Christ. He eventually introduced me to some of the most amazing young Christian women I have ever met, and though I don't get to see them very often these days, they will always have special places in my heart.
From that point forward I began to see life the way it was meant to be seen. My plans had been shattered because they were the plans I made for myself on my own account. The Lord had other plans for me. He wanted me to stay in College Station, and that is where I still am today. I ended up meeting the most amazing people, discovering an awesome small group, and attempting to lead a life that is more glorifying to my Savior. I don't always make it to small groups or Breakaway due to my early morning schedule, but I try to stay in the Word as much as I can lately, and listen to podcasts or attend church as often as I can. It has definitely been a work in progress, and I am far from being as close with the Lord as I want to be. But I have found a kind of love I never knew before I came to know Him better. Like one of my favorite Christian books says, God didn't show up and save me when I needed Him most, He was always there. I was the one who finally decided to show up, and He welcomed me with open arms and showered His unfailing love and mercy on me.
Now to make it even better, looking back over the past year has been like the most beautiful puzzle. I had no idea what it would look like going in, but in hindsight it came together perfectly (because it was God's plan, not mine). I ended up being placed to student teach at a school in Bryan with a very low-income population of students. I fell in love with these children, and thanked God every day for putting them in my life. I am now long-term subbing as a first grade teacher for the rest of the school year and love my class as much as I loved my second graders last semester. I pray every day for the Lord to make me a blessing in their lives, and am so thankful to be given that opportunity. I also became good friends with my cooperating teacher, who is coincidentally also moving to La Porte this year with her husband, 3 year old son, and son on the way :) I am excited I will get to continue to see her and watch her adorable kids grow up next year.
God also allowed me to meet a truly special young man in the midst of my sadness and discovery of who I wanted to become, but that story is for another post.
This blog was put on my heart to share with others how merciful the Lord can be on any scale. I want to stress I am not claiming to be this awesome Christian who has all these answers (that person doesn't exist), and I definitely have "to be continued" stamped on my testimony. I don't ever want to come across as "holier than thou" when I share my stories about my relationship with Christ, I am still struggling with legalism, idolatry, sometimes negativity, and countless other battles us Christians must fight on a daily basis. But I know the Lord is on my side each and every day, renewing me inside and out. I was just reflecting over the past year of my life and the wonderful work God has done in my spirit and the spirits of those around me and wanted to share my story with those who cared to read about it.
I hope this inspires anyone who is feeling run down and growing weary of looking to worldly standards to find happiness. I most certainly did, and letting go of the person I used to be has been a beautiful thing. I hope each year I can continue to look back on the person I was the year before and say I continued to grow in my relationship with the Lord.
With much love,
Lauren
